From "On the Air"
Hilary: You! Betsy! Where is the rest of my script?
Betty: What? Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Booth. I was buried in thought.
Hilary: Yes, and I'm sure it was a shallow grave.
From "On the Air"
Betty: What a shrew!
Jeff: A viper.
Betty: My God.
Jeff: My wife.
From "On the Air"
Elderidge: I tell you, this job is going to drive me to an early grave.
Victor: I don't think that's mathematically possible.
From "The Emperor Smith"
Snell: You wouldn't be acting dim on purpose, would you?
Elderige: Oh, no, I leave that to the actors.
From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Elderige: That reminds me of a saying I first heard at the Great Wall
of China-
Maple: You've been to China, Mr. Elderige?
Elderige: No, that's the name of a resteraunt just down the block from
me. The saying went something like this: "If you set a bird free, and
it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with. But if you
set a bird free and it returns... it's probably a homing pigeon.
Hilary: There's a wonderful lesson in that story, Mr. Elderige. And
it is that we must never let you tell us another story.
From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Maple: Hilary, I was just trying to widen my part.
Hilary: If you widen your part any more, your roots will show. Oh,
sorry, I take that back-- they're showing already!
From "Radio Silence"
Gertie: Mr. Corwin of Corwin's Corned Beef. He's coming to hear your idea
for his new show.
Scott: My idea? My idea's Betty's department.
From "Radio Silence"
Eugenia: *sob*
C.J.: Are you all right?
Scott: What's the matter, Eugenia?
Eugenia: I looked at my sheet music for "I'll Never Smile Again" and
it said as recorded by Ray Eberly on RCA...
Scott: Victor. What's our audience listening to?
C.J.: Another station, I guess.
Scott: What's the backup plan?
C.J.: Usually the backup plan is ask Betty.
From "Radio Silence"
Hilary:...Gertie, I want to ask you something I've never asked you before.
Gertie: Oh, you mean like "How are you today, Gertie?"
Hilary: Do I look... welcoming, inviting? Would a man see me and think,
"Now there's a warm person"?
Gertie: Sure, if he's a mortician. I'm sorry, that's just reflex action.
From "Happy Homecomings"
Doug: Hilary, how have you been doing lately?
Hilary: Oh, Doug. I'm far to busy to be upset. I Have my broadcasts,
my fan mail, my detailed plans for how to dispose of Jeff's body.
From "Happy Homecomings"
Scott: Rollie!
RP: Sir!
Scott: Sir Rollie!
From "Happy Homecomings"
Betty: You have to leave the station!
Gertie: What?
Elderige: You want us to leave radio?
From "A Capitol Idea"
Betty: Creatively, what aspect of radio drama most interests you?
Scott: It doesn't. Never had much time for radio. Stops me from thinking
out loud. Bought a second-hand schooner that had one, but I never listened
until I ran up on a reef in Samoa and had to wait almost a week for help.
Ever try to eat a barnacle?
Betty: No.
Scott: Don't.
Betty: I promise not to.
From "Some Time, Some Station" (Trimmed from Neena's transcript for your
easy-reading pleasure.)
Scott: Dead center. Right on line with your head, Betty. Nice shooting,
Victor.
Victor: Lousy shooting. I was aiming for the couch.
Mackie: Ooh, Scotty, when you renegotiate, you really are tough. You know,
Pruitt, now that Scott's broken the ice and maybe your left clavicle, I'd
just like to mention that you are the worst low-life ever to walk the hallways
of this station.
Scott: He's a Nazi saboteur, Mackie.
Mackie: Aw, gee, that too?
Mackie: Oh, Victor, it's wonderful to see you. Let me modify that, it's
impossible to see you.
Victor: Ah, I'm sorry. I'll try to make more time out of my schedule
for you. Thanks for your patience.
Mackie: You're very welcome. And very dead. But if I can see him, then
that must mean...
Betty: It's true!
Mackie: I'm dead, too! We're all dead. Unless, of course, Victor is
alive.
Betty: Mackie, I know exactly how you feel. The first time I saw Victor
again I fainted dead away.
Mackie: That's a good choice. (He faints.)
Eugenia: Hello? Betty? Anyone? Does the station still have gas?
Scott: Looks like I'm the waterboy. (Hands Betty a gun.) Don't hesitate
to use this on Pruitt if he makes one false move. (exits)
Betty: Not another inch, buster!
Mackie: And so my dear, our journey of love- (Hilary enters) Oh, Hilary,
I've been needing you.
Hilary: You'll be needing Dr. Frankenstein to paste you together you
unmanly monster. How dare you reveal the document of my degradation to
all Pittsburgh?
Mackie: All Pittsburgh's listening, Hilary. I've been reciting "The Missive
of Farewell." Hilary: You'll be missing your legs and saying farewell
to your arms when I'm done with you. You'll be a coloratura soprano with
the Eunuch Tabernacle Choir!
Mackie: Hilary, simmer down!
Hilary: Simmer down.
Mackie: Cool off.
Hilary: Cool off! (Grabs jug of water.) I'll give you a cool off!
Mackie: No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Hilary! Did you know that water
and electricity are a lethal combination?
Hilary: Your fears are completely ungrounded, Mackie! Grab the mic!
Mackie: No, Hilary, don't! No, wait!
Maple: (enters) I just had the-- (Water hits her head-on. She runs out
and returns with the cooler contents, which she hurls at Hilary.)
Betty Roberts
From "A Girl Like Maple"
I think I'm going to try very hard never to forget how you just sounded.
Scott Sherwood
From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Pruitt... Yeah, if there's something devious going on at this station, and
I'm not behind it, Pruitt must be.
Betty and Scott
From "Nothing Up My Sleve"
Scott: Three faces I've loved. Bettybettybetty. Who springs to mind?
Betty: I thought there were springs in your mind, along with a sizeable
amount of lint.
