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Betty Roberts | Scott Sherwood | Hilary Booth | Jeff Singer | Mackie Bloom | Mr. Elderige | Maple LaMarsh | Serious Quotes |

General WENN

From "On the Air"
Hilary: You! Betsy! Where is the rest of my script?
Betty: What? Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Booth. I was buried in thought.
Hilary: Yes, and I'm sure it was a shallow grave.
From "On the Air"
Betty: What a shrew!
Jeff: A viper.
Betty: My God.
Jeff: My wife.

From "On the Air"
Elderidge: I tell you, this job is going to drive me to an early grave.
Victor: I don't think that's mathematically possible.
From "The Emperor Smith"
Snell: You wouldn't be acting dim on purpose, would you?
Elderige: Oh, no, I leave that to the actors.
From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Elderige: That reminds me of a saying I first heard at the Great Wall of China-
Maple: You've been to China, Mr. Elderige?
Elderige: No, that's the name of a resteraunt just down the block from me. The saying went something like this: "If you set a bird free, and it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with. But if you set a bird free and it returns... it's probably a homing pigeon.
Hilary: There's a wonderful lesson in that story, Mr. Elderige. And it is that we must never let you tell us another story.

From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Maple: Hilary, I was just trying to widen my part.
Hilary: If you widen your part any more, your roots will show. Oh, sorry, I take that back-- they're showing already!

From "Radio Silence"
Gertie: Mr. Corwin of Corwin's Corned Beef. He's coming to hear your idea for his new show.
Scott: My idea? My idea's Betty's department.

From "Radio Silence"
Eugenia: *sob*
C.J.: Are you all right?
Scott: What's the matter, Eugenia?
Eugenia: I looked at my sheet music for "I'll Never Smile Again" and it said as recorded by Ray Eberly on RCA...
Scott: Victor. What's our audience listening to?
C.J.: Another station, I guess.
Scott: What's the backup plan?
C.J.: Usually the backup plan is ask Betty.

From "Radio Silence"
Hilary:...Gertie, I want to ask you something I've never asked you before.
Gertie: Oh, you mean like "How are you today, Gertie?"
Hilary: Do I look... welcoming, inviting? Would a man see me and think, "Now there's a warm person"?
Gertie: Sure, if he's a mortician. I'm sorry, that's just reflex action.

From "Happy Homecomings"
Doug: Hilary, how have you been doing lately?
Hilary: Oh, Doug. I'm far to busy to be upset. I Have my broadcasts, my fan mail, my detailed plans for how to dispose of Jeff's body.

From "Happy Homecomings"
Scott: Rollie!
RP: Sir!
Scott: Sir Rollie!

From "Happy Homecomings"
Betty: You have to leave the station!
Gertie: What?
Elderige: You want us to leave radio?

From "A Capitol Idea"
Betty: Creatively, what aspect of radio drama most interests you?
Scott: It doesn't. Never had much time for radio. Stops me from thinking out loud. Bought a second-hand schooner that had one, but I never listened until I ran up on a reef in Samoa and had to wait almost a week for help. Ever try to eat a barnacle?
Betty: No.
Scott: Don't.
Betty: I promise not to.

From "Some Time, Some Station" (Trimmed from Neena's transcript for your easy-reading pleasure.)
Scott: Dead center. Right on line with your head, Betty. Nice shooting, Victor.
Victor: Lousy shooting. I was aiming for the couch.
Mackie: Ooh, Scotty, when you renegotiate, you really are tough. You know, Pruitt, now that Scott's broken the ice and maybe your left clavicle, I'd just like to mention that you are the worst low-life ever to walk the hallways of this station.
Scott: He's a Nazi saboteur, Mackie.
Mackie: Aw, gee, that too?
Mackie: Oh, Victor, it's wonderful to see you. Let me modify that, it's impossible to see you.
Victor: Ah, I'm sorry. I'll try to make more time out of my schedule for you. Thanks for your patience.
Mackie: You're very welcome. And very dead. But if I can see him, then that must mean...
Betty: It's true!
Mackie: I'm dead, too! We're all dead. Unless, of course, Victor is alive.
Betty: Mackie, I know exactly how you feel. The first time I saw Victor again I fainted dead away.
Mackie: That's a good choice. (He faints.)
Eugenia: Hello? Betty? Anyone? Does the station still have gas?
Scott: Looks like I'm the waterboy. (Hands Betty a gun.) Don't hesitate to use this on Pruitt if he makes one false move. (exits)
Betty: Not another inch, buster!
Mackie: And so my dear, our journey of love- (Hilary enters) Oh, Hilary, I've been needing you.
Hilary: You'll be needing Dr. Frankenstein to paste you together you unmanly monster. How dare you reveal the document of my degradation to all Pittsburgh?
Mackie: All Pittsburgh's listening, Hilary. I've been reciting "The Missive of Farewell." Hilary: You'll be missing your legs and saying farewell to your arms when I'm done with you. You'll be a coloratura soprano with the Eunuch Tabernacle Choir!
Mackie: Hilary, simmer down!
Hilary: Simmer down.
Mackie: Cool off.
Hilary: Cool off! (Grabs jug of water.) I'll give you a cool off!
Mackie: No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Hilary! Did you know that water and electricity are a lethal combination?
Hilary: Your fears are completely ungrounded, Mackie! Grab the mic!
Mackie: No, Hilary, don't! No, wait!
Maple: (enters) I just had the-- (Water hits her head-on. She runs out and returns with the cooler contents, which she hurls at Hilary.)

Betty Roberts
From "A Girl Like Maple"
I think I'm going to try very hard never to forget how you just sounded.

Scott Sherwood
From "The Improtance of Being Betty"
Pruitt... Yeah, if there's something devious going on at this station, and I'm not behind it, Pruitt must be.

Betty and Scott
From "Nothing Up My Sleve"
Scott: Three faces I've loved. Bettybettybetty. Who springs to mind?
Betty: I thought there were springs in your mind, along with a sizeable amount of lint.

From "Mr. and Mrs. Singer"
Scott: Before you go, would you like to hear my proposal?
Betty: Never!

From "Some Good News, Some Bad News"
Betty: It was in my memo. Didn't you read it?
Scott: Oh, gosh, Betty, if I were to read one of your memos, I'd have to read all of them.

Hilary Booth
From "The First Mrs. Bloom"
Tune in later this afternoon when another blushing bride meets her doom--uh, groom-- here on "Bridal Bouquet."

From "Radio Silence"
You know, I think Betty's gone off the deep end. I wish someone could magically take away her grief, her depression, ... her typewriter.

Jeff Singer
From "From the Pen of Gertrude Reece"
Let me take your name and a bribe.

Mackie Bloom
From "Radio Silence"
Betty, you look terrible! I mean when you look terrible, you still look swell, but it's time to join the world already in progress.

Mr. Elderige
From "Close Quarters"
Elderidge: We thank You for Your Providence, and we thank Providence for Hilary, who as we all know has always been able to make a big deal out of nothing at all.

From "On the Air"
Have you ever been able to understand eggsalad? I mean, what's it made of? Eggs and mayonnaise. But what's mayonnaise made of? Eggs. So why bother?
From "Mr. and Mrs. Singer"
Well, it must be very hard suddenly to act in black and white.

Maple LaMarsh
From "Mr. and Mrs. Singer"
Let me beat a retreat before you tell her she missed Jeff again and I get a concussion from the repercussion. From "Nothing Up My Sleeve"

Rupert Holmes wrote these wonderful things- no copyright infringement is intended.